Oracle Reading For Today
I pulled three oracle reading cards today relevant to my situation. It stated my next step in the process is to be in my truth through open and real exchanges. In addition, I need to release self worth issues that are preventing my growth.
Xo-------So this is my story------------------Xo
I am on a twin flame and spiritual journey and it has been a life-changing but healing experience. It has helped me find my connection to God but through the process it brought to light many of my insecurities and past issues. I have deeply ingrained self worth, self expression, addictions, and abandonment fears.
I have been in relationships where I have given so much but recieved very little in return because I did not understand my own self worth. I was raised to believe that asking for what I wanted and thinking for my own preservation was selfish. I had trouble saying No. I felt like a used up rag doll. I let my own best friend take advantage of me who I now rarely keep in contact with. I would shop excessively to make me feel better about myself which in time has cost me greatly.
I did not know or understand unconditional love for my self or from others. I felt little compassion recipricated from others. I was bullied by my sisters at the age of 7 or 8 which came to repeat through my friendships and work experiences. Every time I got sick or injured I was unsure if I should say anything as my parents would make me feel worse through their anger, lack of comfort, and literally expressing that their children were a burden.
My childhood was not sunshine and roses as someone who may have known me thought or believed. I have a father who was as I remembered then temperamental, alcoholic, unfaithful, and sometimes violent. My mother who I had reluctance bonding with was emotionally and mentally abusive planting self esteem issues in her children and controlling their lives. It has definitely been a lesson for my parents as we became adults. My sisters are either in marriages that do not give them happiness, or either have emotional and mental illnesses. One sister came close to leaving us, another theme repeating as we had lost an aunt through suicide.
There have been dark moments in my family all deriving from financial burdens and lack of abundance. I do not blame my parents. I love them unconditionally although I would prefer keeping a distance at times. They have had difficult journeys themselves. I am grateful for still having them in my life.
During my teens, I started wishing for my freedom and finding some escape. Because I always felt like I was going at life alone, I was always searching for, hoping for, day dreaming about a love who I could share my life with and who would be loyal and be in it in all of my experiences. I had meetings and exchanges that taught me about soul and cosmic connections during my very early adulthood. They were mystical or fateful occurences but they were just lessons. I started going on dates after I finished college but none of the connections were worth pursuing. I started taking care of my self through fitness, aerobic dance, and moving out. I found several decent jobs that were just enough.
I still had drama with friends but it got to the point where I didn't need these friendship anymore. I went on eharmony to find a friend and activity buddy. At this point I had given up on finding a relationship after searching. I looked for someone who lived close, was not too into himself and looked like he was adventurous or outgoing. I saw his name. It was funny because the name had popped up through the people around me quite often that time like spirit was giving me a clue. I was not very in tuned with my intuition though. I just thought it was a coincidence.
We ended up meeting and things went very fast from that point on. I was so attracted to this man and it was a very wierd but fateful experience. He became the light in my life but as fast as it started, it ended. The feeling of abandonment and self worth took a leap and then my life pretty much dived into darkness. At first I thought it was a toxic relationship but I came to realize there was unconditional love for this man. He was the man I dreamed of and I accepted and loved and understood him for his good and dark qualities. I blamed him for what I was going through but I really don't and I hope he doesn't either. We have been off and on and now on quite a long separation phase of our own journeys. I understand I need to go through more lessons, healing and growth.
I have become a Reiki Master apprentice so that I can be in service and do what I enjoy. I am currently trying to find ways to heal even more and release past issues.
I had confirmation he was my twin flame but with this confirmation I feel a bit stuck. I really had wanted to let go and move on but now I am the person holding on and chasing. If I can turn back time and had not reached out to him it would have been less burdensome with worries I have now. I still wonder if it is true at times. I know I just need to surrender and trust in God.
Focus on joy
I was working on being centered these past couple of days and it was great until someone close to me started texting me. I feel her energy and it is all over the place. It is not healthy focusing all your attention on different attractions and past relationships. I understand and have compassion since I am going through separation with my love but hearing more about it is not helping me. We have something in common but I need to extract myself. I should not share too much information about the situation I am in to those going through similar experiences as what you release you attract. I do not want to add anymore to what is not serving me or others. I realize that now.
Focus on joy. Surround yourself with what you love. Enjoy the simple things.